Our First Pregnancy

On January 20, 2015 (My Birthday), Adam and I found out that we were expecting our first little baby! What a special day that was and there was nothing short of excitement and rejoicing from the 2 of us! 

I can't really explain the feelings you get when you find out you are going to be a Mommy. Suddenly your whole world turns upside down with anticipation over this new baby. You start calculating the baby's due date, thinking about names, what the nursery will look like, wondering if it will be a boy or a girl, dreaming about who your child will become, and all the amazing things your child will accomplish in this lifetime. Finding out that you are going to be parents is exciting, overwhelming, and nerve racking but it sure is stocked full of hopes and dreams for this sweet child to come into this world. I just remember thinking that suddenly my life had a whole new purpose and meaning that I couldn't even describe. 

Adam and I decided to keep it a secret for a little while until we could go to the doctor and think up a fun way to reveal it to both of our parents. So we scheduled a doctors appointment!  I wasn't sure what OB to go to because we had not been in Summerville very long so I just found the closest facility.

In February, Adam and I went to our first appointment to see our little one. We had a typical normal first appointment where you talk about being pregnant, all the things you can't eat, and what you can and cannot do while expecting. Then, they took my blood pressure, urine sample, and blood work. We met our new OB doctor and then to the exciting part which was the ultrasound. At this point, I was about 7 1/2 weeks along so we were able to see a pretty clear ultrasound of our baby and we got to hear the heartbeat which was measuring about 160 beats per minute. It was probably the coolest thing I have ever experienced! Gosh, we were just so excited and overwhelmed with happiness! We left the doctor feeling so blessed and humbled that He had chosen us to be parents and that our baby was healthy and growing right on track. Baby Curtis was due on September 26, 2015.

In about mid February, Adam and I closed on our first house in Summerville, SC! We were so thrilled to have more space, especially since we were expecting. So, we figured-what better way to announce it to our parents when they both would be in town to help us move. So we packed up our apartment into what seemed like hundreds of boxes! We set aside 2 specially packaged boxes for the future grandparents. (This is what happens when you are a house divided.) Here is a picture of my parents box (The Gamecock one of course) and Adam's parents box (The Clemson one):

What an exciting day this was to be able to announce to both our parents and see their faces when they found out they were going to be grandparents! Once we had moved all the boxes, furniture, etc. into our new home, I decided to ask our Mom's for some help unpacking. I gave them their special boxes to start unloading in the kitchen. The pictures above are what they saw when they opened the box. They were completely shocked, confused as to if this was a joke or not but ecstatic!! That is something we will never forget. It was such a fun time to celebrate our new home and the baby! After that, the cat was out of the bag. They called every family member you can possibly imagine.

When we did get the chance to tell friends and family, I just really realized how blessed we are to have such amazing family, friends and community pouring out their love and support to us. Little did we know, they would be what got us through the hardest times in our life in the weeks, months, and years to come. God Bless their souls because the people God has placed in our life are some of the greatest blessings we will ever know.

My second appointment was scheduled for March 10, 2015. At this appointment, I was 11 1/2 weeks. A date that is forever etched in my mind as a nightmare that unfolded before my eyes. (Please keep in mind that as I type this, I am having to relive every step of the way. I think there is something beautiful about the way the Lord is with me in this but it is still very hard for me to "relive and process" through this all over again.)

Adam was working later that day and had trouble getting off for work. So I told him not to worry about coming to my appointment this time. I was called back to get the usual urine sample, blood drawn and blood pressure. This time was different though. Something didn't seem right. The nurses kept asking me questions about if I was having any extreme cramping or spotting or bleeding. All to which I answered no. I was so confused-why were they asking me this. Was this normal questioning? I couldn't figure it out but something was just off.

I went in with my OB doctor and she tried to find the heartbeat by using a fetal doppler hand held monitor. She heard nothing which I proceeded to ask if this was normal. She said that sometimes they can't pick up on the baby's heartbeat until I'm further along. In the back of my mind, I am thinking, "last time there was no trouble finding any heartbeat on the ultrasound." Again, I had this overwhelming sense of uneasiness wash over me. Last, she decided to have the ultrasound tech try and find the heartbeat with an normal ultrasound. The next 10 minutes of my life was the worst pain I have ever experienced. I am not even sure I can put it into words. As I waited to see/hear the heartbeat during this ultrasound, there was nothing. No movement, no sound, no heartbeat. Not to mention the ultrasound tech would not tell me one word about what was going on. I was in full panic mode. She had me sit up and told me that the baby was only measuring 8 weeks of growth  when I was supposed to be 11 1/2 weeks along. Their was no heartbeat and no movement and this baby was no longer living. This was titled a "missed miscarriage" because my body had not expelled anything even though the baby was no longer living.

I was paralyzed and shocked and fearful and hurt. It felt like I had literally been stabbed and couldn't breathe. As she told me to meet my OB in the next room, I started sobbing and trying to get a hold of Adam at work. I was calling everyone he worked with trying to get him on the phone. I finally reached him and told him he needed to come here right away and it was not good. I am not really sure what all I said at that point because it all seems so blurry. I remember the OB talking with Adam and I about our options of how this baby was going to be miscarried. It was too much to process. I still hadn't come to the realization of what was going on, much less, was I able to think about next steps. Between sobbing, I just kept asking, "Why would this happen to us? Why God?  I was confused, sad, angry, and about a million other emotions all at once.

Our world had just come crashing down. I didn't know what to do. Thank you Lord for my sweet and gracious husband. He was my rockstar during all of this. I watched at his called and texted numerous friends and family of our horrific news. I had to watch him relive what happened every time he talked to someone else. I am beyond grateful for him being such a strong man because during this time I was hysterical and there was no way I could talk with anyone. I've never seen something crush him like this did. It was the first time in our lives (and we have been together for many years prior to marriage) where I watched my husband break down in front his own dad. I will never forget that moment because I knew that we were in this together and we were both hurting. Only the Lord could bring us out of this pit.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

On March 12, 2015, I went under for surgery for a D and C. After praying about what to do, this seemed like the best option. Our doctor said that although I hadn't miscarried naturally, it was only a mater of time before it happened. She recommended a D and C because we were so far along that any other option would be too painful. The day of my surgery, we had so many friends and family members pouring out prayers over us. I am so thankful for that because it was a long and hard day. Half of me was not wanting to have this surgery because they were removing a "piece of me" but the other half of me was ready for it to be over and done with and wondering what the future would hold. The surgery went fine, and we went home a couple of hours later. I was still in a good amount of pain and side effects (I will spare the details).

The next few days and even weeks were quite a blur. We would only allow our parents to come and visit. I didn't feel good or up to seeing any friends. I was just feeling very alone and secluded and needed time with just Adam for us to process through this and grieve. I was also a complete mess. I remember going out for the first time to Lowe's and to get lunch. I about lost it in the restaurant when I saw a Mom with a new baby. I couldn't handle it. It was everywhere around me. I shut myself off from the world, from social media, from friends, and even family. Usually, I take a million pictures, and trying to hang out with friends, but during those months I don't have hardly any pictures or see anyone. I couldn't stand to smile in a picture knowing that I wasn't being honest about the pain behind my fake smile. I woke up every night crying out in my sleep or having nightmares. I didn't want anyone to pity us and I've always loved doing things for others but, I was having a hard time letting people do things for me. The only thing I knew to ask for was prayer. There was nothing anyone could do to take the pain away or to heal me.

Thank goodness for people that were honest with me about experiencing a miscarriage and understanding exactly what that meant. They truly understood that I was in need of healing in many ways: spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. It was the first time where I felt like I could be myself because I was no longer alone. I'm so thankful for friends that sent us flowers, books, devotionals, thoughtful cards, and prints with verses on them. All of these things were such great reminders to turn to the Lord even when his plan didn't make sense in our eyes. His plan is always greater and better than our own. Our human minds can't seem to grasp or even comprehend the greatness of God and the plan he has for us. (Or at least I know mine can't.) One book that really helped Adam and I during this time is a John Piper book called, "A Sweet and Bitter Providence." It is a book that breaks down the book of the Bible, Ruth, by chapter.

This was the Lord's reminder that He is at work even in the worst of times. "The book of Ruth is one of the most graphic stories of how God hides his smiling face behind a frowning providence." Even during pain and sorrow and hard times, Ruth was able to see the Lord and trust that His purpose for these trials would benefit her whether she could see that or not. 

Months of healing physically seemed to creep by very slowly. We anxiously awaited for the doctors to say that all was well and that we could try again to get pregnant. As ready and excited as I was for this, I was also consumed by a lot of fear about what could happen again. Once you have experienced a miscarriage, pregnancy has a whole new meaning. It brings forth a lot of fear and anxiety until you are in the "safe zone."

We had a close friend share a story with us during this hard time that really offered some peace. She had a friend who we didn't know that had just had a miscarriage. Her friend was spending some time with the Lord and felt the Lord whisper this to her: "Don't you know that I have given your child the greatest gift imaginable... Your child got to see My Face first." Wow! Something in that really stuck with me. What a powerful truth. Our sweet child is dancing up in Heaven and praising Jesus every single second and our child's first face that she/he ever saw was the face of their Heavenly Father. That story gives me chills and just offers so much peace to such a broken and sinful world. 

Some friends of Adam and I comforted us with this verse that they memorized and recited anytime fear started to creep in:

"So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10