Baby Curtis-Due Christmas Day!

Adam and I have some exciting news to share: Baby Curtis is due on December 25, 2016! We could not be more grateful and humbled to celebrate this sweet gift from the Lord. 

Our child is truly our little Christmas miracle. 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

Although we are thrilled to be pregnant, we would not be giving the Lord credit for this baby if we didn't share our whole story. We feel that by just sharing the good part of our story, then no one will truly be able to see how the Lord has worked in our lives. You see, our story is not an easy one. Our story might end with the upmost joy but it has been an incredibly, painful journey. This is our story of our two miscarriages, our months of infertility, and our current and healthy pregnancy. This post is not a post to make you feel sorry for us but a post to share God's faithfulness in our story and how we have been redeemed. This is our testimony of just how good and loving and beautiful our Heavenly Father truly is.

Our prayer is that by sharing our intimate struggles that more people will come to know Jesus and God will get the glory for this beautiful testimony He has written about our lives. Our other prayer is that women would know that, "You are not alone!" There are so many times during our story where we felt ashamed and that we needed to hide what was going on in our lives. This is a lie from Satan. He wants us to keep our struggles a secret BUT when we shed light on these dark areas, God brings forth redemption and healing and peace.

"The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1:5 

Our last prayer is that the Lord would continue to use us in this lifetime to bring Him glory. Whether we are rejoicing or we are mourning, we will always Praise His Holy Name! 

Our First Pregnancy

On January 20, 2015 (My Birthday), Adam and I found out that we were expecting our first little baby! What a special day that was and there was nothing short of excitement and rejoicing from the 2 of us! 

I can't really explain the feelings you get when you find out you are going to be a Mommy. Suddenly your whole world turns upside down with anticipation over this new baby. You start calculating the baby's due date, thinking about names, what the nursery will look like, wondering if it will be a boy or a girl, dreaming about who your child will become, and all the amazing things your child will accomplish in this lifetime. Finding out that you are going to be parents is exciting, overwhelming, and nerve racking but it sure is stocked full of hopes and dreams for this sweet child to come into this world. I just remember thinking that suddenly my life had a whole new purpose and meaning that I couldn't even describe. 

Adam and I decided to keep it a secret for a little while until we could go to the doctor and think up a fun way to reveal it to both of our parents. So we scheduled a doctors appointment!  I wasn't sure what OB to go to because we had not been in Summerville very long so I just found the closest facility.

In February, Adam and I went to our first appointment to see our little one. We had a typical normal first appointment where you talk about being pregnant, all the things you can't eat, and what you can and cannot do while expecting. Then, they took my blood pressure, urine sample, and blood work. We met our new OB doctor and then to the exciting part which was the ultrasound. At this point, I was about 7 1/2 weeks along so we were able to see a pretty clear ultrasound of our baby and we got to hear the heartbeat which was measuring about 160 beats per minute. It was probably the coolest thing I have ever experienced! Gosh, we were just so excited and overwhelmed with happiness! We left the doctor feeling so blessed and humbled that He had chosen us to be parents and that our baby was healthy and growing right on track. Baby Curtis was due on September 26, 2015.

In about mid February, Adam and I closed on our first house in Summerville, SC! We were so thrilled to have more space, especially since we were expecting. So, we figured-what better way to announce it to our parents when they both would be in town to help us move. So we packed up our apartment into what seemed like hundreds of boxes! We set aside 2 specially packaged boxes for the future grandparents. (This is what happens when you are a house divided.) Here is a picture of my parents box (The Gamecock one of course) and Adam's parents box (The Clemson one):

What an exciting day this was to be able to announce to both our parents and see their faces when they found out they were going to be grandparents! Once we had moved all the boxes, furniture, etc. into our new home, I decided to ask our Mom's for some help unpacking. I gave them their special boxes to start unloading in the kitchen. The pictures above are what they saw when they opened the box. They were completely shocked, confused as to if this was a joke or not but ecstatic!! That is something we will never forget. It was such a fun time to celebrate our new home and the baby! After that, the cat was out of the bag. They called every family member you can possibly imagine.

When we did get the chance to tell friends and family, I just really realized how blessed we are to have such amazing family, friends and community pouring out their love and support to us. Little did we know, they would be what got us through the hardest times in our life in the weeks, months, and years to come. God Bless their souls because the people God has placed in our life are some of the greatest blessings we will ever know.

My second appointment was scheduled for March 10, 2015. At this appointment, I was 11 1/2 weeks. A date that is forever etched in my mind as a nightmare that unfolded before my eyes. (Please keep in mind that as I type this, I am having to relive every step of the way. I think there is something beautiful about the way the Lord is with me in this but it is still very hard for me to "relive and process" through this all over again.)

Adam was working later that day and had trouble getting off for work. So I told him not to worry about coming to my appointment this time. I was called back to get the usual urine sample, blood drawn and blood pressure. This time was different though. Something didn't seem right. The nurses kept asking me questions about if I was having any extreme cramping or spotting or bleeding. All to which I answered no. I was so confused-why were they asking me this. Was this normal questioning? I couldn't figure it out but something was just off.

I went in with my OB doctor and she tried to find the heartbeat by using a fetal doppler hand held monitor. She heard nothing which I proceeded to ask if this was normal. She said that sometimes they can't pick up on the baby's heartbeat until I'm further along. In the back of my mind, I am thinking, "last time there was no trouble finding any heartbeat on the ultrasound." Again, I had this overwhelming sense of uneasiness wash over me. Last, she decided to have the ultrasound tech try and find the heartbeat with an normal ultrasound. The next 10 minutes of my life was the worst pain I have ever experienced. I am not even sure I can put it into words. As I waited to see/hear the heartbeat during this ultrasound, there was nothing. No movement, no sound, no heartbeat. Not to mention the ultrasound tech would not tell me one word about what was going on. I was in full panic mode. She had me sit up and told me that the baby was only measuring 8 weeks of growth  when I was supposed to be 11 1/2 weeks along. Their was no heartbeat and no movement and this baby was no longer living. This was titled a "missed miscarriage" because my body had not expelled anything even though the baby was no longer living.

I was paralyzed and shocked and fearful and hurt. It felt like I had literally been stabbed and couldn't breathe. As she told me to meet my OB in the next room, I started sobbing and trying to get a hold of Adam at work. I was calling everyone he worked with trying to get him on the phone. I finally reached him and told him he needed to come here right away and it was not good. I am not really sure what all I said at that point because it all seems so blurry. I remember the OB talking with Adam and I about our options of how this baby was going to be miscarried. It was too much to process. I still hadn't come to the realization of what was going on, much less, was I able to think about next steps. Between sobbing, I just kept asking, "Why would this happen to us? Why God?  I was confused, sad, angry, and about a million other emotions all at once.

Our world had just come crashing down. I didn't know what to do. Thank you Lord for my sweet and gracious husband. He was my rockstar during all of this. I watched at his called and texted numerous friends and family of our horrific news. I had to watch him relive what happened every time he talked to someone else. I am beyond grateful for him being such a strong man because during this time I was hysterical and there was no way I could talk with anyone. I've never seen something crush him like this did. It was the first time in our lives (and we have been together for many years prior to marriage) where I watched my husband break down in front his own dad. I will never forget that moment because I knew that we were in this together and we were both hurting. Only the Lord could bring us out of this pit.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

On March 12, 2015, I went under for surgery for a D and C. After praying about what to do, this seemed like the best option. Our doctor said that although I hadn't miscarried naturally, it was only a mater of time before it happened. She recommended a D and C because we were so far along that any other option would be too painful. The day of my surgery, we had so many friends and family members pouring out prayers over us. I am so thankful for that because it was a long and hard day. Half of me was not wanting to have this surgery because they were removing a "piece of me" but the other half of me was ready for it to be over and done with and wondering what the future would hold. The surgery went fine, and we went home a couple of hours later. I was still in a good amount of pain and side effects (I will spare the details).

The next few days and even weeks were quite a blur. We would only allow our parents to come and visit. I didn't feel good or up to seeing any friends. I was just feeling very alone and secluded and needed time with just Adam for us to process through this and grieve. I was also a complete mess. I remember going out for the first time to Lowe's and to get lunch. I about lost it in the restaurant when I saw a Mom with a new baby. I couldn't handle it. It was everywhere around me. I shut myself off from the world, from social media, from friends, and even family. Usually, I take a million pictures, and trying to hang out with friends, but during those months I don't have hardly any pictures or see anyone. I couldn't stand to smile in a picture knowing that I wasn't being honest about the pain behind my fake smile. I woke up every night crying out in my sleep or having nightmares. I didn't want anyone to pity us and I've always loved doing things for others but, I was having a hard time letting people do things for me. The only thing I knew to ask for was prayer. There was nothing anyone could do to take the pain away or to heal me.

Thank goodness for people that were honest with me about experiencing a miscarriage and understanding exactly what that meant. They truly understood that I was in need of healing in many ways: spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. It was the first time where I felt like I could be myself because I was no longer alone. I'm so thankful for friends that sent us flowers, books, devotionals, thoughtful cards, and prints with verses on them. All of these things were such great reminders to turn to the Lord even when his plan didn't make sense in our eyes. His plan is always greater and better than our own. Our human minds can't seem to grasp or even comprehend the greatness of God and the plan he has for us. (Or at least I know mine can't.) One book that really helped Adam and I during this time is a John Piper book called, "A Sweet and Bitter Providence." It is a book that breaks down the book of the Bible, Ruth, by chapter.

This was the Lord's reminder that He is at work even in the worst of times. "The book of Ruth is one of the most graphic stories of how God hides his smiling face behind a frowning providence." Even during pain and sorrow and hard times, Ruth was able to see the Lord and trust that His purpose for these trials would benefit her whether she could see that or not. 

Months of healing physically seemed to creep by very slowly. We anxiously awaited for the doctors to say that all was well and that we could try again to get pregnant. As ready and excited as I was for this, I was also consumed by a lot of fear about what could happen again. Once you have experienced a miscarriage, pregnancy has a whole new meaning. It brings forth a lot of fear and anxiety until you are in the "safe zone."

We had a close friend share a story with us during this hard time that really offered some peace. She had a friend who we didn't know that had just had a miscarriage. Her friend was spending some time with the Lord and felt the Lord whisper this to her: "Don't you know that I have given your child the greatest gift imaginable... Your child got to see My Face first." Wow! Something in that really stuck with me. What a powerful truth. Our sweet child is dancing up in Heaven and praising Jesus every single second and our child's first face that she/he ever saw was the face of their Heavenly Father. That story gives me chills and just offers so much peace to such a broken and sinful world. 

Some friends of Adam and I comforted us with this verse that they memorized and recited anytime fear started to creep in:

"So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Our Second Pregnancy

On July 25, 2015, we found out we were pregnant again for the second time! This was such an exciting day especially because we found out the day that Adam had come home from his 2 weeks at drill. There were a lot of emotions whirling around us at this point. We were so thrilled to be pregnant again. In the back of both of our minds, we had some fear and anxiety about what could happen.

Because the last pregnancy ending came as such a surprise, we wanted to try and see if the doctors office would be more willing to monitor this pregnancy closer. I called to notify them that I was pregnant again and asked if I could come in for some blood work. They brought me in at a little before 5 weeks. What a relief it was to hear that my blood work looked great and my levels were right where they needed to be! Baby C was expected to arrive March 31, 2016.

We went in for a doctors appointment at about 6 1/2 weeks. The appointment did not go well. At my ultrasound, the gestational sac was an irregular shaped-very oblong. They could not find any trace of a baby inside nor a heartbeat. To say we were crushed was an understatement. It was like our nightmare was being relived all over again. But despite all of this bad news from the doctor, we were not going to believe that this was it. As believers, we believed in something greater. We believed in miracles and what the doctor said was not going to stop us from believing that a miracle was possible.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us." Romans 8:31

At this point, we had told our immediate family, close friends, and life group that we were pregnant. These are the people that had been there for us through this suffering so we figured we could really use their prayers. We decided it was best to tell them early on so we could have all of our friends and family rallying around us and praying for us. We were so glad that we had made the choice to tell everyone because after this bad news, we were calling and texting all our family and friends to be praying for a miracle.

The doctors brought me in the next week (only a couple of days after our previous appointment). I was about 7 weeks. I had an appointment with a different doctor at the office because my doctor was out of town. We did an ultrasound and saw a little improvement but nothing big. The doctor decided that it would be best to put me on a hormone medicine called Progesterone and bring me back in a week. So I got right on the medicine and we alerted our prayer warriors to keep on praying.

The days and time spent in between the doctors visits were extremely hard. There was so much we didn't know and it was all completely out of our control. I didn't know what to think. Half of me thought I was going to lose this baby but the other half of me thought that a miracle might happen. Either way, we just kept on praying and asking the Lord to please develop and protect our sweet child.

We came back to the doctor the following week, which should put me at about 8 weeks. We got good news from the doctor and ultrasound. My sac was still irregular but there was a tiny little baby detected in the sac. When they tried to find a heartbeat, they could not distinguish between my heartbeat and the baby's. So the good news was that not all hope was lost and maybe next week we could hear/see this baby's heartbeat. I continued on the medicine because it appeared to be helping. We kept on asking for prayers from everyone that was willing to pray. I scheduled my next doctor’s appointment for the next week which means that I would be about 9 1/2 weeks along.

Side Note: I am a schoolteacher and at this point in my pregnancy, we had just started the school year. So not only did I have the stress of what was going on at home, but I had a brand new batch of 25 kids waiting. The first few weeks of teaching are extremely crucial to how the rest of your school year will pan out. (All my teacher friends reading this know exactly what I am talking about.) These are the weeks when you "lay down the law." These are the weeks when you develop a relationship with 25 new faces and get to know their parents. This is when you are establishing your classroom dynamic and rules and procedures. The first few weeks of school are the hardest but putting forth that effort in the beginning is SO worth it in the end. So with that being said, I was having an extremely hard time trying to balance everything that was going on in my life.

Week 2 of school had just started. I can't remember the exact date that I was supposed to have my doctor’s appointment but I know it was later in the week. I was very anxious to see what was going to happen at this doctor’s appointment. On Tuesday, August 25, 2015, I started spotting at school. At first, I called the nurse at the doctors office and described the situation to her and she said that it should be pretty normal and to call back if it got worse. Well by the end of the school day, it was definitely "worse." I knew what was happening. (Sorry for the gross details.) At this point, I was bleeding and cramping a ton. I was about to miscarry this baby.

I left school right away and called Adam. He met me at the hospital right near our house. I just remembered being so scared and confused and in pain. Was this really about to happen again? I couldn't seem to cope with the fact that we were about to lose another child. I felt like all hope was lost. As Christians, we go through many different seasons. The season I was currently in was a dry season of feeling like God wasn't near and didn't hear my cries. This is obviously a complete lie that came straight from Satan. In these moments, it is where our faith is truly tested. When your world comes crashing down, it is so easy to turn from the Lord and think that He is not good or that His plan isn't perfect. I had to convince myself that this was not at all true and cling to this verse:

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I had to believe that God had a greater purpose in this and that God's plan was bigger and far better than what I thought was good for us. God is always good, just, loving and He hears every single cry. God hates sin and evil and what we were going through is a part of the broken and sinful world we are living in. God will redeem us-this was the whisper that I kept hearing. Man, how I wished that it would happen right then and there but that wasn't a part of his plan. He had something far greater planned; we were just going to have to be patient to get there.

At the hospital, they ran urine and blood tests. They did an ultrasound and all sorts of things before they would really even tell us what was going on. We felt like we had been awaiting bad news for an eternity. They finally told us that my cervix was starting to open and that the baby was no longer living and it was a matter of time before I miscarried. At this point, the process had already started but it was going to get much worse. They released me and sent us home with instructions to see the OB as soon as possible.

The next morning, I had an appointment with my OB doctor. She gave us 2 options as to how to go about this miscarriage. Even though I was bleeding, I still hadn't naturally miscarried the baby. There was the option of a D and C (like I had previously with the last miscarriage) or to miscarry naturally with a medicine called Misoprostol that would open up my cervix. After talking with the doctor and really praying about what was best for my body, we decided that to miscarry naturally and at home was a better choice. It was definitely the more painful option of the two, but it was a lot less risky as far as looking ahead towards future pregnancies.

Thursday, August 27, 2015 is when I started to miscarry. A lot of people don't realize the pain emotionally that comes with a miscarriage. You never forget the date your child was supposed to be born or the date that you lost that same child. And it definitely doesn't get easier each time. There was a lot of emotions whirling around in my head. I didn't understand why this happened to us again. I followed all the rules of pregnancy and we did everything right. Then, it led to me questioning if my body would ever be able to successfully carry a baby. As a women, that is a scary thought to consider. It haunted me constantly that I could not carry out my sole purpose for being a women. I have dreamed of being called Mommy since I was little. Some women desire to be lawyers, doctors, singers etc. My job might be being a teacher but the greatest desire in my heart was to become a mother to many children. On this day, I really started to wonder if this dream of mine would ever become a reality.

As Christian,s we are not called to live in fear but to trust in the Lord. Trust that his plan is greater than we can ever wrap our tiny little minds around. My hope was and is not found in earthly things and needs to continue be focused on The Lord. Ultimately, no child could ever satisfy me the way Christ satisfies his children. This truth was something that we had to cling to even when it wasn't easy to believe. I won't lie-it was not an easy journey. It is so hard to fully trust the Lord when it seems as if your problems are bigger than God. BUT all hope is not lost because we will hope in the Lord no matter what circumstances we are faced with.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

That morning, I set an alarm to take this medicine because my body had not moved things along yet. I was given instructions to take it around 5 am and that hopefully it would open my cervix in the next few hours. If not, I would have to repeat the process in 12 hours. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours and then awoke to the most pain I have ever felt my entire life. The point of this medicine is to start labor by making your uterus contract and your cervix open up. When I woke up, I was having extreme contractions which meant the medicine was working. The amount of pain physically didn't compare to the emotional pain that this was causing us. I was going through all of the pain of laboring and contractions; our story just ended differently. We were coming out of this empty handed.  I can't imagine what it's like to suffer all of the pain of child birthing only to hold a precious child in your arms and experience an indescribable joy. This pain was just another reminder of our empty arms, our loss, a child that we would never know, and a pain that didn't turn into joy.

"A women giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world." John 16:21

This verse may not be true for our second or our first pregnancy but it was still my prayer. My prayer was that one day I would gladly endure all the pain in the world to experience all this joy of becoming parents.

Around noon that day, I miscarried the baby. There isn't an easy way to make that statement. Some people might say the correct term is "fetus" or "tissue" but in our eyes it was more than tissue. That was our child. The Lord created our child in our womb and already knew every little detail before this baby was even a thought in our mind.

There are a couple details that go into the last part of this miscarriage. Most of them are way to gruesome and graphic to share.  There were also several negative things that happened at the doctor’s office that directly had an effect on us. After feeling that we were "wronged" by our doctor’s office, we decided it was in our best interest to switch doctors. We also had my friends that were telling us that we needed to switch OB's so that we could have the best care available. I will not drop any names because I want to respect everyone, and that is not the purpose of this blog.  The purpose is to show how God is constantly at work in our lives. This was just God's way of leading us somewhere else and giving us hope in a hopeless situation and answering our prayer.  It was also the Lord challenging us to forgive them in the midst of their mistakes. That was not an easy task but we know that the Lord forgives us for our many sins and we are called to do the same. So, we moved on and had a peace about the Lord calling us to leave. I will say that during this process of switching, we were led solely by the Lord to a new set of doctors and an amazing facility that I could not say enough wonderful things about. (I'll brag on them and mention them later.)